I hate that I feel angry, and I displace it to people who are nothing but nice to me. And I shouldn't be feeling irritated with people who need me at this point in their lives, who also are struggling and weak. I want to eat myself alive and give birth to it, clean, innocent and resentment-free. Of course I don't shout my anger out, nor curse, nor raise an eyebrow, nor be mean. Typical of me, I keep it in, and it is gnawing on my gut. It's anger NOT directed towards anyone in particular, it's just anger, period. I don't know where it is coming from, or maybe it really isn't anger afterall, just another undesirable emotion in the guise of something else, or maybe it's a combination of many, like a halo-halo only the unpleasant version of it.
I guess my inner battle transcends its ugliness out in the open, as my friends have tried to cheer me up last night, and have asked several times, "are you okay?" I did have a fast answer to the question: YES, I'M OKAY. My always ready answer. But of course, it's a NO. And if indeed I said No, I'm sure there would've been the instinctive follow-up WHY. That would've have been utterly painful trying to answer that. So rather, I drowned myself in pure fat that's in roasted duck, roasted pork, fried rice, chicharon bulaklak and downed them with a bottle of beer / a tall glass of Ko Ko Mo from that quaint little Hawaiian Bar after watching Step Up 3 in 3D. Ko Ko Mo, should I explain, is a drink of Vodka, coconut milk, etc etc. I don't know I just gulped it in mindless of the taste as if clogging my arteries would make my heart numb.
I am a wreck right now, even thinking of calling in sick from work. Good idea? Bad idea? I just feel like I need to have the night off. `Coz the last time I pushed it, I was a mess at work. Embarrassing myself to the hospitalist (the 'house' doctor) for grabbing a non-rebreather mask instead of what should've been a Venti mask, to my co-worker Ate Myra (but I couldn't be thankful enough that she was team leader that night, or I would've just crawled to the restroom and cried the mighty out) whom I've asked to insert a Foley catheter for me and to access a Port to a sarcastic patient (of all patients). I was so shattered that I felt like Ate Myra was picking my pieces up in the hallways of 3 South all night.
I was joking about that quarter-life crisis when I turned 24 last month. But maybe I really am in crisis right now. ?! I am questioning my place in life, if this is really where I want to be? And if it is not, where do I start? Ahhhhh, too much questions!
.... there, anxiety-ridden and all, I just called-in sick!
maybe it should've been called-in depressed? called-in sad? called-in confused?
Now I don't know if leaving myself alone with myself is a good idea. I just need to, remove myself for now.
Someone save me. let me.
------------------------------
...and then my dad tweeted / posted on his Facebook wall:
I can't catch up with my beloved Tal, even in FB. So fleeting. Kamusta ka na Tal?
So fleeting. that's right. I am so fleeting. I wanted to burst into tears. the last thing I want to happen is detach myself from my family. but am I now?-----------------------------
Gail Simmons, in one Top Chef commercial, said that there was a distinct moment in her life when she absolutely didn't know what to do until a friend asked her to make a list of the things she loves : which were FOOD, TRAVEL, WRITING. and look where she is today...
now if I make list of the things I love, it would be : FOOD, TRAVEL AND WRITING ABOUT THEM too.
I don't know, I've been thinking long and hard about where I am right now. Have I ever said, to myself or anyone, that I LOVED nursing? Maybe at one point I did mention that I like my job now, or I said that the new hospital I work at is better than the last one. But I don't think I ever so passionately talked about my job. And I choose not to talk about it after work, wanting to leave work at work. I live paycheck-to-paycheck basically. Working to be able to pay the bills, to be able to eat, shop a little if there's any extra. It doesn't help being surrounded with people who seem to be burnt-out by their job neither! Look what it has gotten me.... complaining, whining. It doesn't make me the bigger person I know. But I just gotta let it out somehow, even at least in this blog which no one really reads!
Nursing is a such a noble profession. I applaud anyone who has chosen this job for the passion of it. But did I choose this job because I had the passion for it? What really was my motivation in the first place? That was the question during my admission interview in West, "why did you choose nursing?" and that question still pops up every once in a while, "ngaa nag nurse ka?" ...and my answer has never been resolute and confident. It always has been as if I'm trying to convince the other person just as much as I am trying to convince myself. I can't even remember what I answered. I guess I said that both my parents were in the medical field and that's how I've been brought up - eekk. Listening to myself I just said 'were' coz both of them aren't anymore. They still are, technically, but... They started as doctors and now are in a totally different position in their lives.... and looking at them, they are happy. I look at my dad and I say, I want to be like him, in the sense that, man does he love what he's doing right now! My dad never complains, he's always on the go, always in his element, passionate. And he is good what he does and doesn't stop getting better! Plus he is able to do his hobbies too, like photography, gadgets, traveling.
There is a war inside of me though. I don't want to be a quitter, someone who can't seem to finish something right all the time. I've always been half hearted with things, and though my parents, especially my mom, never really say it in my face, I know they've been frustrated. When I was a freshman in Nursing school, my mom told me to do well 'coz I can be a cum laude, or something like that. I never really cared, though. I thought that laude was a far dream and I wasn't made to reach it, couldn't reach it. Of course my mom never pushes anything to us, gives us valuable advice but doesn't pressure us to do anything... I wish she did, but I'm happy she didn't / doesn't as well. So I just went by with my college life not really putting 100% effort to it. Until my senior year came and I was points away from that laude laude. And then, that Most Outstanding Student Nurse award, which was also so near yet so far. I fought for it at some point, but in retrospect, whoever got the award deserved it more than I do. She has more passion that I do, did. Bottomline is, I always underestimate myself, never give myself wholeheartedly until the last straw, I always flinch away - much to my parents' frustration. My frustration.
And that's what I do not want to happen right now. To be fleeting away, just as my dad perfectly describes me. I became a nurse I might as well be damn good at it. Make myself proud, make my family proud. But, why do I feel like my heart is somewhere else? Why don't I close my eyes and giggle for my little accomplishments in this job? Why can't I picture myself doing this for the rest of my life?
There is a lot of soul searching, de-cluttering, prioritizing, realizing, praying that I have to do, instead of complaining and whining in this blog. But if talking about it is a first step, maybe I can go forward.
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