I actually broke my own rules and just went last night..
It was a lovely surprise.
How don't know if a guy ever said to me ever, "if you're okay with it then I'm okay with it" in the most genuine way.
all I can say is... I'm so happy I chose the right shoes last night! ;p
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thanks for Dinner Trader Joe's!
This is dinner for $9.99 ..to celebrate / un-celebrate my being canceled from work tonight.
But if there is any reason to celebrate really, it is this TORTA! yummyness!
I love sun-dried tomatoes, I love pesto, and I love anything cheesy, when you put them all together, haaaayyy... :D
But if there is any reason to celebrate really, it is this TORTA! yummyness!
I love sun-dried tomatoes, I love pesto, and I love anything cheesy, when you put them all together, haaaayyy... :D
I Love Brussels Sprouts!
Dinner anyone?
Baked Salmon and... Roasted Brussels Sprouts!
Everyone loves Salmon, but not everyone loves Brussels Sprouts! I DO!
especially when they're roasted in the oven until the outside is crispy but the inside is soft and juicy! :)
Roasted with olive oil, a little garlic, salt and pepper.
Then! drizzled with Balsamic Vinegar and grated Romano Cheese!
happyfood!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sticky Note to Self
1. Eat less.
2. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
3. Strengthen relationships.
4. Be kinder, in both thoughts and actions.
5. Call home more often.
6. Perfect a recipe.
7. Work more.
8. Fold laundry on the same day it is washed.
9. Work more. (I'm aware of the repeat)
10. Lose weight.
2. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
3. Strengthen relationships.
4. Be kinder, in both thoughts and actions.
5. Call home more often.
6. Perfect a recipe.
7. Work more.
8. Fold laundry on the same day it is washed.
9. Work more. (I'm aware of the repeat)
10. Lose weight.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Down the Gutter
I've been feeling out of my element lately. I haven't been feeling myself. Depressed. Broke. Homesick. Sick. I don't know if this heartburn and nausea are physical or emotional? Hormonal? I don't know. All I know is that I feel horrible. I've tried to laugh it out or cry it out, but the creepy feeling of having come undone is relentless inside me.
I hate that I feel angry, and I displace it to people who are nothing but nice to me. And I shouldn't be feeling irritated with people who need me at this point in their lives, who also are struggling and weak. I want to eat myself alive and give birth to it, clean, innocent and resentment-free. Of course I don't shout my anger out, nor curse, nor raise an eyebrow, nor be mean. Typical of me, I keep it in, and it is gnawing on my gut. It's anger NOT directed towards anyone in particular, it's just anger, period. I don't know where it is coming from, or maybe it really isn't anger afterall, just another undesirable emotion in the guise of something else, or maybe it's a combination of many, like a halo-halo only the unpleasant version of it.
I guess my inner battle transcends its ugliness out in the open, as my friends have tried to cheer me up last night, and have asked several times, "are you okay?" I did have a fast answer to the question: YES, I'M OKAY. My always ready answer. But of course, it's a NO. And if indeed I said No, I'm sure there would've been the instinctive follow-up WHY. That would've have been utterly painful trying to answer that. So rather, I drowned myself in pure fat that's in roasted duck, roasted pork, fried rice, chicharon bulaklak and downed them with a bottle of beer / a tall glass of Ko Ko Mo from that quaint little Hawaiian Bar after watching Step Up 3 in 3D. Ko Ko Mo, should I explain, is a drink of Vodka, coconut milk, etc etc. I don't know I just gulped it in mindless of the taste as if clogging my arteries would make my heart numb.
I am a wreck right now, even thinking of calling in sick from work. Good idea? Bad idea? I just feel like I need to have the night off. `Coz the last time I pushed it, I was a mess at work. Embarrassing myself to the hospitalist (the 'house' doctor) for grabbing a non-rebreather mask instead of what should've been a Venti mask, to my co-worker Ate Myra (but I couldn't be thankful enough that she was team leader that night, or I would've just crawled to the restroom and cried the mighty out) whom I've asked to insert a Foley catheter for me and to access a Port to a sarcastic patient (of all patients). I was so shattered that I felt like Ate Myra was picking my pieces up in the hallways of 3 South all night.
I was joking about that quarter-life crisis when I turned 24 last month. But maybe I really am in crisis right now. ?! I am questioning my place in life, if this is really where I want to be? And if it is not, where do I start? Ahhhhh, too much questions!
.... there, anxiety-ridden and all, I just called-in sick!
maybe it should've been called-in depressed? called-in sad? called-in confused?
Now I don't know if leaving myself alone with myself is a good idea. I just need to, remove myself for now.
Someone save me. let me.
------------------------------
...and then my dad tweeted / posted on his Facebook wall:
-----------------------------
Gail Simmons, in one Top Chef commercial, said that there was a distinct moment in her life when she absolutely didn't know what to do until a friend asked her to make a list of the things she loves : which were FOOD, TRAVEL, WRITING. and look where she is today...
now if I make list of the things I love, it would be : FOOD, TRAVEL AND WRITING ABOUT THEM too.
I don't know, I've been thinking long and hard about where I am right now. Have I ever said, to myself or anyone, that I LOVED nursing? Maybe at one point I did mention that I like my job now, or I said that the new hospital I work at is better than the last one. But I don't think I ever so passionately talked about my job. And I choose not to talk about it after work, wanting to leave work at work. I live paycheck-to-paycheck basically. Working to be able to pay the bills, to be able to eat, shop a little if there's any extra. It doesn't help being surrounded with people who seem to be burnt-out by their job neither! Look what it has gotten me.... complaining, whining. It doesn't make me the bigger person I know. But I just gotta let it out somehow, even at least in this blog which no one really reads!
Nursing is a such a noble profession. I applaud anyone who has chosen this job for the passion of it. But did I choose this job because I had the passion for it? What really was my motivation in the first place? That was the question during my admission interview in West, "why did you choose nursing?" and that question still pops up every once in a while, "ngaa nag nurse ka?" ...and my answer has never been resolute and confident. It always has been as if I'm trying to convince the other person just as much as I am trying to convince myself. I can't even remember what I answered. I guess I said that both my parents were in the medical field and that's how I've been brought up - eekk. Listening to myself I just said 'were' coz both of them aren't anymore. They still are, technically, but... They started as doctors and now are in a totally different position in their lives.... and looking at them, they are happy. I look at my dad and I say, I want to be like him, in the sense that, man does he love what he's doing right now! My dad never complains, he's always on the go, always in his element, passionate. And he is good what he does and doesn't stop getting better! Plus he is able to do his hobbies too, like photography, gadgets, traveling.
There is a war inside of me though. I don't want to be a quitter, someone who can't seem to finish something right all the time. I've always been half hearted with things, and though my parents, especially my mom, never really say it in my face, I know they've been frustrated. When I was a freshman in Nursing school, my mom told me to do well 'coz I can be a cum laude, or something like that. I never really cared, though. I thought that laude was a far dream and I wasn't made to reach it, couldn't reach it. Of course my mom never pushes anything to us, gives us valuable advice but doesn't pressure us to do anything... I wish she did, but I'm happy she didn't / doesn't as well. So I just went by with my college life not really putting 100% effort to it. Until my senior year came and I was points away from that laude laude. And then, that Most Outstanding Student Nurse award, which was also so near yet so far. I fought for it at some point, but in retrospect, whoever got the award deserved it more than I do. She has more passion that I do, did. Bottomline is, I always underestimate myself, never give myself wholeheartedly until the last straw, I always flinch away - much to my parents' frustration. My frustration.
And that's what I do not want to happen right now. To be fleeting away, just as my dad perfectly describes me. I became a nurse I might as well be damn good at it. Make myself proud, make my family proud. But, why do I feel like my heart is somewhere else? Why don't I close my eyes and giggle for my little accomplishments in this job? Why can't I picture myself doing this for the rest of my life?
There is a lot of soul searching, de-cluttering, prioritizing, realizing, praying that I have to do, instead of complaining and whining in this blog. But if talking about it is a first step, maybe I can go forward.
I hate that I feel angry, and I displace it to people who are nothing but nice to me. And I shouldn't be feeling irritated with people who need me at this point in their lives, who also are struggling and weak. I want to eat myself alive and give birth to it, clean, innocent and resentment-free. Of course I don't shout my anger out, nor curse, nor raise an eyebrow, nor be mean. Typical of me, I keep it in, and it is gnawing on my gut. It's anger NOT directed towards anyone in particular, it's just anger, period. I don't know where it is coming from, or maybe it really isn't anger afterall, just another undesirable emotion in the guise of something else, or maybe it's a combination of many, like a halo-halo only the unpleasant version of it.
I guess my inner battle transcends its ugliness out in the open, as my friends have tried to cheer me up last night, and have asked several times, "are you okay?" I did have a fast answer to the question: YES, I'M OKAY. My always ready answer. But of course, it's a NO. And if indeed I said No, I'm sure there would've been the instinctive follow-up WHY. That would've have been utterly painful trying to answer that. So rather, I drowned myself in pure fat that's in roasted duck, roasted pork, fried rice, chicharon bulaklak and downed them with a bottle of beer / a tall glass of Ko Ko Mo from that quaint little Hawaiian Bar after watching Step Up 3 in 3D. Ko Ko Mo, should I explain, is a drink of Vodka, coconut milk, etc etc. I don't know I just gulped it in mindless of the taste as if clogging my arteries would make my heart numb.
I am a wreck right now, even thinking of calling in sick from work. Good idea? Bad idea? I just feel like I need to have the night off. `Coz the last time I pushed it, I was a mess at work. Embarrassing myself to the hospitalist (the 'house' doctor) for grabbing a non-rebreather mask instead of what should've been a Venti mask, to my co-worker Ate Myra (but I couldn't be thankful enough that she was team leader that night, or I would've just crawled to the restroom and cried the mighty out) whom I've asked to insert a Foley catheter for me and to access a Port to a sarcastic patient (of all patients). I was so shattered that I felt like Ate Myra was picking my pieces up in the hallways of 3 South all night.
I was joking about that quarter-life crisis when I turned 24 last month. But maybe I really am in crisis right now. ?! I am questioning my place in life, if this is really where I want to be? And if it is not, where do I start? Ahhhhh, too much questions!
.... there, anxiety-ridden and all, I just called-in sick!
maybe it should've been called-in depressed? called-in sad? called-in confused?
Now I don't know if leaving myself alone with myself is a good idea. I just need to, remove myself for now.
Someone save me. let me.
------------------------------
...and then my dad tweeted / posted on his Facebook wall:
I can't catch up with my beloved Tal, even in FB. So fleeting. Kamusta ka na Tal?
So fleeting. that's right. I am so fleeting. I wanted to burst into tears. the last thing I want to happen is detach myself from my family. but am I now?-----------------------------
Gail Simmons, in one Top Chef commercial, said that there was a distinct moment in her life when she absolutely didn't know what to do until a friend asked her to make a list of the things she loves : which were FOOD, TRAVEL, WRITING. and look where she is today...
now if I make list of the things I love, it would be : FOOD, TRAVEL AND WRITING ABOUT THEM too.
I don't know, I've been thinking long and hard about where I am right now. Have I ever said, to myself or anyone, that I LOVED nursing? Maybe at one point I did mention that I like my job now, or I said that the new hospital I work at is better than the last one. But I don't think I ever so passionately talked about my job. And I choose not to talk about it after work, wanting to leave work at work. I live paycheck-to-paycheck basically. Working to be able to pay the bills, to be able to eat, shop a little if there's any extra. It doesn't help being surrounded with people who seem to be burnt-out by their job neither! Look what it has gotten me.... complaining, whining. It doesn't make me the bigger person I know. But I just gotta let it out somehow, even at least in this blog which no one really reads!
Nursing is a such a noble profession. I applaud anyone who has chosen this job for the passion of it. But did I choose this job because I had the passion for it? What really was my motivation in the first place? That was the question during my admission interview in West, "why did you choose nursing?" and that question still pops up every once in a while, "ngaa nag nurse ka?" ...and my answer has never been resolute and confident. It always has been as if I'm trying to convince the other person just as much as I am trying to convince myself. I can't even remember what I answered. I guess I said that both my parents were in the medical field and that's how I've been brought up - eekk. Listening to myself I just said 'were' coz both of them aren't anymore. They still are, technically, but... They started as doctors and now are in a totally different position in their lives.... and looking at them, they are happy. I look at my dad and I say, I want to be like him, in the sense that, man does he love what he's doing right now! My dad never complains, he's always on the go, always in his element, passionate. And he is good what he does and doesn't stop getting better! Plus he is able to do his hobbies too, like photography, gadgets, traveling.
There is a war inside of me though. I don't want to be a quitter, someone who can't seem to finish something right all the time. I've always been half hearted with things, and though my parents, especially my mom, never really say it in my face, I know they've been frustrated. When I was a freshman in Nursing school, my mom told me to do well 'coz I can be a cum laude, or something like that. I never really cared, though. I thought that laude was a far dream and I wasn't made to reach it, couldn't reach it. Of course my mom never pushes anything to us, gives us valuable advice but doesn't pressure us to do anything... I wish she did, but I'm happy she didn't / doesn't as well. So I just went by with my college life not really putting 100% effort to it. Until my senior year came and I was points away from that laude laude. And then, that Most Outstanding Student Nurse award, which was also so near yet so far. I fought for it at some point, but in retrospect, whoever got the award deserved it more than I do. She has more passion that I do, did. Bottomline is, I always underestimate myself, never give myself wholeheartedly until the last straw, I always flinch away - much to my parents' frustration. My frustration.
And that's what I do not want to happen right now. To be fleeting away, just as my dad perfectly describes me. I became a nurse I might as well be damn good at it. Make myself proud, make my family proud. But, why do I feel like my heart is somewhere else? Why don't I close my eyes and giggle for my little accomplishments in this job? Why can't I picture myself doing this for the rest of my life?
There is a lot of soul searching, de-cluttering, prioritizing, realizing, praying that I have to do, instead of complaining and whining in this blog. But if talking about it is a first step, maybe I can go forward.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Everest Highway
1:46 AM in frost stricken Chicago technically nearing 3 AM as the end of Daylight Saving Time has just graced most people with one more hour of glorious sleep.. good for them.. as this time change doesn't do much to my constant struggle to be normal, sleep-wise.
my bittersweet relationship with sleep..
when you're awake at this hour and just staring at a computer screen, you kind of hate your so-called "apartment engineer" for making the temperature too high you need the put the aircon on when it's 40F outside.. then you realize that it was you who told him it was too cold in the first place. so you think, do you hate him or do you hate yourself? and you realize the latter makes more sense, so you shut the idea off and just settle to paying what extra dollars on your next electric bill. yes, just another way to save money in these tough times.
or.. you attempt to perfect a hard-boiled egg with your electric stove that tips your pan and boils water only on one side. and you are short of 5 minutes, as the yolk is set and firm on the outside but still somewhat jiggly and soft on the inside. some people like it that way, but not you, who want your yolk "hard-boiled" that it sticks to your palate and scratches your throat you need water to down it. 20 minutes, as your lola said so..even in your San Francisco-terrain-ed stove top.
or..you sit through both parts of the Earth's Natural Wonders on the Travel Channel and learn that Mt. Everest has a highway, oh yes it does..that you wish you were in Alaska right now to gaze at the Northern Lights dancing in all your favorite colors instead of pathetically writing about it in your tiny studio apartment..that you imagine what the inhabitants of the Amazon River are doing right this very moment, probably something far more productive than what you are.. and that you have appreciated the world you live in in one hour in the 23 years you have spent on it.
your 24-hour rental of the The Proposal is almost up and your good ol' comforter is but your only comforter, you wish this note-ing gets your eyes tired and weary.. but they just won't give up.. your countdown, sorry to say, lives on..
tomorrow, you'll probably be thanking your bittersweet relationship with sleep as you traverse the hallways of the Oncology Floor, your very own Everest Highway.
over the steam that comes out of this Starbucks cup
A morning graced with a grande cup of Starbucks Americano. I want my coffee straightforward like this.
3 days before Eat Pray Love the movie shows. I am crying over the trailer as I have cried over things like, MasterChef? Who cries over these things but me?
I am crying because I imagine getting lost in this movie as I have in the book. Maybe I am an incurable sentimental... a girl who tends to exalt a song, a movie, a meal, or anything mundane, like it is something bigger than itself, like it is transcendental. The perfect word that describes how I see things sometimes (...most of the time, I just am embarrassed to admit it), weird as it sounds.
This is why I love the Eat Pray Love. EAT PRAY LOVE is a perfect definition of who I am, or.. how I am getting to know myself. It is like one word to me, eatpraylove. Elizabeth Gilbert unraveled the self that is within myself into a New York Times Best Seller. While reading the book I can feel like I am with her..and her journey to find herself one plane ticket, one train ride, one friend, one stranger, one meal at a time.
3 days before Eat Pray Love the movie shows. I am crying over the trailer as I have cried over things like, MasterChef? Who cries over these things but me?
I am crying because I imagine getting lost in this movie as I have in the book. Maybe I am an incurable sentimental... a girl who tends to exalt a song, a movie, a meal, or anything mundane, like it is something bigger than itself, like it is transcendental. The perfect word that describes how I see things sometimes (...most of the time, I just am embarrassed to admit it), weird as it sounds.
This is why I love the Eat Pray Love. EAT PRAY LOVE is a perfect definition of who I am, or.. how I am getting to know myself. It is like one word to me, eatpraylove. Elizabeth Gilbert unraveled the self that is within myself into a New York Times Best Seller. While reading the book I can feel like I am with her..and her journey to find herself one plane ticket, one train ride, one friend, one stranger, one meal at a time.
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